In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I want to share a little more about myself with those of you who may not know me, or don’t know me very well.
Last March 29th, I held my Mom’s hand as she was called home. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. This came about a month after I was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Mood Disorder, and Anxiety. The job I had at the time really tried to be supportive, and even approved me having a service dog at work. It wasn’t really like they could deny it, but we went through all of the steps anyway. However, I found myself in a place of just not being able to function. The medications didn’t help, my dog helped the most, but that wasn’t saying much. I missed more and more work and finally just turned my notice in. I had resigned myself to filing for disability and that was going to be my life. A motherless daughter who was too broken to function in the real world.
Not 5 minutes after I made the official Facebook announcement that I was unemployed, Sue Ann sent me a Facebook message. I explained to her that I could not do the 8 – 5 and what my issues were. She kept saying that wasn’t a problem and they were flexible. I must admit that I met with Lee scared and a bit reluctantly. I honestly did not think I could go back to work. But there was something that I can only describe as different and understanding about Lee and Sue Ann. I started working here April 17, 2017 pretty much just a broken shell. I threw myself into this business. I felt like this was my last chance to make it and have the life I wanted rather than having to settle for what I could get. Even when I was afraid of what Lee was asking me to do, I wouldn’t say no. I have found many ways that things around the office and software will not work until finally finding what will. That is still a work in progress on new challenges.
On August 2nd, my mare who had been my faithful companion for over 20 years finally lost her battle with chronic liver failure. Lee and Sue Ann answered the call and made sure she was buried at my new house. Then on August 12th, I separated from my husband. One more blow in this already rough year. I had no idea where I was going to end up. I also have my four boys to think of and where are we all going to go and fit? Of course Lee and Sue Ann knew the answer. I ended up starting over in one of the rent houses that was just recently finished. I have been gifted all sorts of furniture and electronics that I am forever grateful for.
I find myself getting a leg up again. I was given a hand and push forward and that has been what I needed to start rebuilding my life and figuring out who I am again. I have found friendship that I can only attribute to my Mom having a hand in. No one person could ever take her place. No one person could ever take care of me to her standards. So she sent two that come awfully close. In my lowest and loneliest places, I see that I have friends who have become family. My triumphs are theirs and vice versa. Also, my heartbreak is shared by them as well. In my life there were two people who always had my best interest at heart. That was Mom and Dad. Now there are four.
This year has presented a lot of heartbreak and challenges. It has also shown me that I have people around me who really and truly do care for me and will do anything they can to help me succeed. I have gone from just a broken shell of a person with my heart frozen over, to feeling my heart thaw out. I am laughing and joking more. But it isn’t the same as it has been since April. I laughed and joked back then too, but now I mean it. Grass is green, flowers have color. The world isn’t black and gray anymore. There is color and life everywhere. Small things make me happy again. Some of my old hobbies bring me happiness again. That’s the main thing is that I find myself in a place of being happy again. Not just fake smiles that don’t reach my eyes. When I smile now, I mean it.
I was not in any way looking forward to this Thanksgiving without my Mom. I had planned on spending the day in her housecoat and in my bed. But instead, I joined Lee, Sue Ann, Anita, Ralph, Sara, Canova, Mark, and Micah for Thanksgiving at the ranch. I got there early and while it was just Sue Ann and I, I found myself in a familiar place. See that is what Mom and I did. It was just us two and we would mill around the kitchen and talk and joke. I never thought I would get to have that again. I felt like I couldn’t try for it. But I didn’t try. It just came naturally and without effort.
So this job that I was reluctant about and really afraid of, has become home. It has become a place where I feel like I belong. The fears that I had about not being good enough at it have subsided. They are replaced by a determination that I will be good enough at it. One way or another. Many mistakes later, I am pretty good at what I do. When I do have those rough days, like Mom’s birthday, all I have to do is say the word.
I am thankful this Thanksgiving and everyday for finding my place again. I found myself in a place that I have never been and that is very hard at times. I also know that besides my Dad, I have two other people in Lee and Sue Ann who are behind me all the way as far as I want to go. No one could ever replace my Mom, but she sent two people who could look after me in her absence. I truly believe it, and always will.Hermann says please like and share!